I would say that 98% of the couple’s I see walk through my door are here to learn
how to communicate effectively because something they’re doing isn’t working. When I
first started working in the therapy space, I thought for sure what I would see most often
were couple’s wanting to navigate moving forward after one or both partners violated a
vow such as infidelity. But this is actually not the case, as common as infidelity is. What
is most common, as I previously mentioned, are couple’s struggling to communicate
with one another.
Underneath all the layers within a relationship, difficult conversations are often
times the reason why couple’s grow apart, because they each do not want to have
difficult conversations with each other, for fear that it will end up in an argument or a
screaming match. But difficult conversations help us to connect. These exchanges,
however, can test the resiliency of any relationship because they are full of heightened
emotions, passion, and differing perspectives, which can sometimes lead to many hurt
feelings, words we wish we could take back, or worse…damage that can take years to
repair. The important thing to be mindful of to avoid difficult conversations turning into
something it shouldn’t is staying present, providing your partner the space to speak and
feel heard, as well as empathy and a willingness to understand where they’re coming
from. When this is done successfully, these open dialogues can increase connection,
resolve conflict, and strengthen the foundation of your partnership.
Preparing for Courageous Conversations
Before embarking on a difficult conversation with your partner, it’s essential to
create a safe environment for open communication. These next few bullet points will
highlight a few ideas to help prepare you for the anxiety-provoking conversations:
Make sure it’s a private conversation: Find a quiet space so you can speak freely
and openly about your relationship. Surely intimate details will be discussed that
you don’t want everyone to hear.
Schedule a time to talk: This is beneficial so both of you can come into the
discussion free of distractions and in the right mindset. This could offer some
relaxation for what’s to come. (i.e. It would be beneficial for the partner
provoking this conversation to ensure to the other partner that the relationship
itself is still intact).
Begin by acknowledging the importance of the conversation and express your
desire to approach it with respect and understanding. (i.e. begin with soft start-
ups as opposed to harsh ones). This difference alone could mean the difference
between an argument ensuing or having an open, calm, and mature
conversation.
Setting the Stage for Open Dialogue: Soft Start-Ups vs. Harsh Start-Ups
As you initiate any conversation, it’s a good rule of thumb to start by expressing
your feelings and needs without blaming, attacking, or criticizing your partner. Harsh
start-ups are accusatory statements that can result in the other person feeling attacked
and defensive. For example, “I hate it when you just leave the house without kissing me
goodbye,” can sound harsh, as opposed to, “Sometimes I notice that you don’t kiss me goodbye when you leave the house, and that hurts my feelings,” is a much softer way of
communicating, while still getting your point across. The soft-start up shifts the focus
from accusation to vulnerability, encouraging your partner to listen with empathy rather
than defensiveness.
Actively Listening to Understand
Listening to your partner. Sounds simple, right? But even though listening paves
the way for effective communication, acknowledging, validating, and accepting your
partner’s feelings can be a struggle, especially if you get so caught up in the details and
have a different perspective. Always make sure to give your partner the respect they
deserve by giving them your undivided attention. Avoid interrupting or thinking about
what you’re going to say or how you’re going to interject before they’re done speaking.
Instead, listen attentively, nodding to show understanding and asking clarifying
questions to ensure you grasp their perspective. One example could be, “So what I
hear you saying is…” and then vocalize what you understood from what your partner
said.
Mirroring and Validating Emotions
Mirroring and validating your partner’s emotions is crucial for fostering a sense of
connection. Acknowledging and accepting their feelings, even if you don’t fully agree
with them can go such a long way. Validating and agreeing are two different things. So,
validate your partner despite whether you agree with them or not, let them know you
hear and understand them, and if you disagree, that’s okay too. Let them know why.
Saying things like, “I understand that you feel that way…” or “It’s okay to feel what
you’re feeling,” demonstrates empathy, compassion, and creates a space for your
partner to feel emotionally safe. You should never have to apologize for the way you
feel! Your feelings are your feelings. Own them.
Seeking Common Ground and Exploring Solutions
Once both of you have expressed your perspectives, feelings, and emotions, try
shifting the focus towards finding common ground. It’s important to identify areas of
agreement and build upon those areas to explore potential resolution. Approaching
problem-solving collaboratively is a great way of showing consideration for each other’s
needs, feelings, and desires.
Maintaining Respect and Empathy
Always remember to remain respectful no matter what. Avoid doing things like
allowing yourself to get so heated you start name calling, yelling, personally attacking,
or saying or doing anything you might regret later. Instead, stay focused on addressing
the presenting issue while also being mindful of your partner’s feelings and
perspectives, and remaining open to them.
Taking Breaks and Continuing the Dialogue
If emotions do run high or the conversation becomes overwhelming, or you feel
like the conversation isn’t going anywhere, you can request a break. I don’t mean it
needs to be quite like how Marshall and Lily take breaks in How I Met Your Mother,
however, figuring out a break system that works for you and your partner is an effective
way of allowing each other the space you and them need to come back together when
emotions aren’t so high, and you’ve had time to process your emotions and thoughts.
Seeking Professional Support When Needed
If you and your partner find it challenging to navigate such difficult conversations
on your own, consider seeking professional support from a couple’s therapist. A
therapist can be so helpful in guiding conversations to resolution, facilitating
communication, and they can also help you develop effective conflict-resolution
strategies. Remember, courageous conversations are not about winning or losing
arguments; and if that’s your mindset, then that isn’t a fair perspective. These difficult
conversations are about deepening each other’s understanding, strengthening your
bond, and fostering a relationship that can weather any storm. By approaching these
dialogues with empathy, respect, and a willingness to listen, you can transform
challenges into opportunities for growth and connection. As I always say, “Always
connect, never correct.”
